Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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