mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
