I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
