Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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