i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
only if we run a train.
done.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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