She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
