Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
