One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
