I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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