I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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