I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
