Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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