i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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