If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
you would pick up someone in the library
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
