They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
