So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
