I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
