thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
