And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
