considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
