your room smells of hookers.
And success
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
