a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Come back. Shots need mouths.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
