I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
