Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
