Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
