So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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