We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
