I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
