he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
