How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You may now shotgun with the bride
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
