After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
