so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
