I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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