Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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