i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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