First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
