I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
