shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
