I wanna bring you to show and tell
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
