she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
