Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
