theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
