Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
did i just pee glitter
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
