I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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