Don't make out with my wife yet
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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