So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
