Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
