I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
