My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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