ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
