I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
